ASSDRAFT: Snuggies Review

So after making such a fuss over Snuggies, I finally got the opportunity to test snug one this past Saturday night. I'm sorry to report that I was kind of disappointed. I mean, the novelty factor is pretty high and obviously the sight of myself and Xavier and Maya in our Snuggies created a total LOLfest, but when that wore off we sobered up to the fact that they're kind of not that amazing. First of all, the blanket itself is made of very thin material so it's not as cozy as a normal blanket. The sleeves are kind of huge and awkward, and the Snuggie itself is too long and sort of unweildy, making it kind of hard to do much that involves walking or moving more than 2 inches off the couch. Even eating in them proved to be a difficult task. It's hard to do so without dipping the sleeves in your food, and of course the sheer size of the thing makes it a great target for stray drops of melted ice cream or globs of gravy. One of the biggest problems however, is that it doesn't close in the back, leaving your entire backside feeling pretty damned drafty. I did eventually end up cinching it closed with a scarf, which helped a little, but when I actually tried walking around in the thing I kept tripping on it and a good six inches of Snuggie scraped along the floor as I walked, collecting dirt.

But if you do actually plunk down the $40 for of them (the extra $20 on top of the 2 for $19.95 offer is for shipping and tax), here are a few things that you can do in your new Snuggies without much problem:

1. Use your remote:



2. Use your remote while your friend reads a magazine:




3. Stare off into space while holding a glass of wine:




4. Look at a magazine, hold a mimosa and stand in a way that kind of freaks Melanie out (multitasking!):



5. Try to look sultry, fail.



6. Admire your Christmas Turd:




7. Go about your presidential duties blinging yet supercomfs:



8. Drive vegetarians to violence by impersonating a giant swaddled ham:



9. Get fired for looking like the laziest slob in the office:




10. Die slowly:

Most Intense Video Ever

I'm sorry if this video scorches your eyeballz with its burning intensity and passion!!



Mark Gormley kinda sounds like Geddy Lee but looks like my 7th grade biology teacher?

(Thanks Patty)

savour the flavour of MURDER

Oh Moz.

I have loved you so very much since my totally awkward teenage years. You've helped me through some pretty bad/weird times: lunch room harassment, fights with mom, late-teens sexual experimentation, drinking binges, breakups, falling-outs, crying jags, hangovers and fat days. Also remember that day when Patty made a ghost burn my apartment down? You were there for me that day too.

But you know what? Even you have to admit that sometimes you come up with some pretty godawful lyrics. Meat Is Murder? "The flesh you so fancifly fry?" Moz, please! That shit is so corny!

Anyway, to um...lampoon(??) you and your occasional bad phrase, Sarah Grant and I have come up with STFUMOZBLOG. Yeah, I know there isn't much there right now so this post may be a bit premature but whatevs. I have nothing else to write about today so SUCK IT. Totes keep checking back though, cuz we will be updating that shit all the time. Or not.

Add it to your Google Reader! RSS that shit! Or bookmark it if you can't figure out how to do either of those things.

Love,
Melanie

btw, thats a turkey leg, pervz.

LIL WIZ YEAR IN REVIEW 2K8

Leti did such a fine job of doing a write-up of her recent guest stint on the Little Wizard Hour (along with J. Day Johansen) that I am compelled to just post a link to it here instead of like thinking of new words to put together about it because my brain is fried. FRIED.

Click here.

Enjoy!

Everything's Coming Up Snuggies

I admit it. I want a Snuggie so bad. For those of you who haven't seen the commercials, feast your eyes upon this:



Seriously, I will never be seen or heard from again. I will only leave the couch to use the bathroom, get my latest Netflix from the mailbox, and pay the pizza delivery guy. I'll be too lazy to actually get up to throw my snuggie in the washing machine, so I'll have to order a fresh pair once the old ones get too soiled with sweat and sweet and sour sauce.

evrylittlecounts
snuggies are blankets with sleeves!!!!!!!
you just hang out and snug in them
have you seen the commericials

stagbeetle555
Oh SHIT, that thing!!!
Dude you bought that?

evrylittlecounts
im about to
right now

stagbeetle555
Haha I kind of want one!
It would get food stains all over it dude
And I'd balloon up to 300 lbs because I'd just be wearing a blanket with sleeves all the time

evrylittlecounts
dude the snuggie would be the only thing that would fit you!
youd have to wear one in the back and one in the front

stagbeetle555
I'll have to get a dark color to conceal all my sweat

evrylittlecounts
haha and fried chicken grease

maybe you can get snuggies with the NASCAR logo like you like?

New Year, New Tears, New Queers

Every New Year I make a half-assed stab at coming up with some resolutions, only to abandon them two weeks later. Maybe I should do what Erin Fant does. She told me that she makes an excel spreadsheet with all her resolutions, with sub-columns of ways to achieve them. Each day that she follows through she puts a sticker on her calendar! Doesn't that sound amazingly gratifying?? Even more so than picking off that last bit of scab off a healing zit, or maybe color-coordinating your wardrobe.

Anyway, my list of resolutions for 2009 goes something like this:

1. Actually use that gym membership I pay $40/month for.
2. Go to Europe for realsies this year.
3. Stop blowing through money so goddamned fast.
4. Continue to have awesome funtimes all the time.

Ok, so here's to 2009 and shit! Hopefully it will be as ragingly awesome as 2008.

Melanies of Xmases Past

1978? My brother Chris and me and the molestiest Santa ever.



1984. All four Berlin children in one place on Xmas, which is something that hasn't happened in probably 10 years. I want to go home to Flushing just so I can steal that sweater out of my mom's closet.




1985. Breathing in Santa's whiskey-scented "HOHOHO's."




1992. That shirt was my favorite thing i got for Xmas that year. It was an oversized patchwork flannel tunic from Mervyn's that cinched in the middle with a long shoelace.




1994. I like my stepdad's wrap job of the fan he gave to my mother. Also I loooooved that outfit. The silver dress was from Mervyn's and the pink shiny top was from Merry-Go-Round.




1995. Somehow I won the female lead in Buckham Alley's production of A Christmas Carol. It was some weird version of the story that had Charles Dickens' family playing all the characters. Somehow at the age of 18 I was chosen to play the 40-something Mrs. Dickens. I think it was because the director of the play wanted to make out with me.




1999. My boyfriend Brandon and I had our portrait taken at Sears and sent them out to all of our friends and family members. My mom still has this picture on display at her house.





2004. Club Neon's First Annual Xmas party. Matthew Davis brought his silver Xmas tree from home and we had fake snowflakes everywhere. I would continue to find little flakes in my clothes for months afterwards.




2005. I spent Xmas eve hanging out with Colin and Steve, starting off at some weird Chinese bar off the last stop of the N. They had a spread that included a giant pig head with an apple in its mouth, and all kinds of different side dishes. It was also a karaoke bar - I sang Bette Midler's "The Rose" but no one was into it, probably because it was the only song with lyrics in English that anyone sang. Afterwards we rode the Muni back wasted and climbed all over the seats and stumbled over to Jamie Guzzi's house to drink egg nog and hang out under the Xmas tree. For some reason this is still my fave Xmas eve ever.



2006. West Add Radio Xmas party at Daniel and Cindy's apartment in the Valencia Street Projects. Not much to report about this night. I remember there was shrimp. And cookies. And afterwards we went somewhere and got drunk.




2007. The Little Wizard Hour Family Xmas Special! Also in 2007:




The Holiday Season of Partying So Hard.



2008. Finally!