Eau De Muni

me: i stayed home and watched 40 days and 40 nights with patty and jimmy

lauren: what is that?

me: this terrible movie set in potrero hill starring josh hartnett and shannyn sossamen
it's a sexy romcom
where he goes without sex for 40 days
it's pretty bad
very early 2000s
like, his character works for a wacky dotcom ... and its not terribly clear what that dotcom does
and she works policing porn sites on the internet
and they meet in a laundromat and then there's a montage where they ride muni all over san francisco and totally fall in love

lauren: because riding muni around all day is so romantic

melanie: being squished into some homeless dude's armpit

lauren: delightful...or being "entertained" by the mutterings of an agitated crack addict
it's like a delicate symphony upon which burgeoning romance can float

melanie: yes and the smells the rapturous smells!
the smell of rotten chinese food and bum feet

lauren: eww
i mean: ooh..aah

melanie: which stews about in the heavy humid muni air

lauren: holy moses: gotta bottle that stuff and sell it!
chinese food and bum feet stew
for the essence of MUNI

melanie: delicious

lauren: seductive

melanie: this is how i snare a man
i smear some of that essence on my pulse points
and i stand on market street on a windy afternoon
and wait for that wonderful scent to make them to come to me
and they do...in droves

lauren: oh i know they do girl!
i was already imagining the commerical
in which you smear the eau de bum feet/chinese food
upon your pulse points
and a sexy saxophone plays in the background
the steam rises from the gutters on market street
it's foggy, but the mens can sense you, they don't need to see you

melanie: they are stumbling towards their destiny, not even knowing what it could be
working on sense and intuition
and at the end ... there i am
with my hair blowing in the wind and the bum feet smell rising off me in delicate stink lines
wafting on the breeze

...
May I also add that the Muni love scene in that movie is such utter bullshit? They're riding bus all around town, and it's all full of totally normal commuters and tourists. If you live in SF you know that that only makes up about 1/4 of the passengers on the bus. The other 3/4 are crackheads, pushy old chinese ladies, bums, skeezers, pregnant teens, junkies and tranny prostitutes.

40 Days and 40 Nights Muni Scene: (cut to 4:20..irieeee)



What it's actually like to ride Muni:






Then this guy gets on and sits on the other side of you:



And this guy busts into a sick violin jam 3 feet away:



(Yes, I made that video. OMG so talented!)

I'm in the new issue of Venus Magazine!

Hi guys!

Chris Brennan shot pix of the Debaser crew and friends (including me, Michael and Rion) fake partying at his house back in March, and the results are in the new issue of Venus Magazine.

Sweet, literally.



Click to make big.

Black Monday

Coming into work can be difficult on Monday mornings, especially when my weekends consist of things such as this:



and this:



and this:



Luckily, Will sent me these vids this morning that have made today a little easier to get through.





...which reminded me of this:



Which makes me think...you know? The world is kind of an awesome place after all. I should stop feeling sorry for myself because I'm not still at the beach with my friends laughing and soaking in the sweet rays and frolicking in the ocean and throwing tennis balls at dumb dogs and ugh...wait. Black metal! Must ... remember.

JEGGINGS vs. leggings vs. pants

erin forwarded me an e-mail she received from topshop advertising this monstrosity they are calling JEGGINGS. (jeans + leggings = JEGGINGS) the following conversation took place soon after:

Erin: i just got a newsletter from topshop
advertising "jeggings"
guess what those are...

Melanie: oh god
jersey leggings?
jogging leggings

Erin: worse
so much worse
i'll send it to you
you can see
it's scary
i weep for our future

Melanie: good god
i went to topshop, you know

Erin: YOU DID
THAT'S RIGHT
how was it?

Melanie: eh
it was like the h+m divided section spread out over three floors
and twice as expensive

Erin: eww
but their stuff looks so cute on their site!
except the jeggings, obvs

((this little gem appears in my inbox:))



Melanie: well those are almost like cheap mondays
except i guess cheap mondays are more on the jeans side
ive seen the jeggings
on girls
they make me sad

Erin: have you EVER seen them look good?

Melanie: i think the worst part is that theyre actually called jeggings
but i think as long as your shirt is long enough
to cover the unavoidable camel toe and vpl
theyre no worse than regular leggings
or "reggings"

10 minutes pass, and the conversation goes in this horrifying direction:

Melanie: there is this woman who i see almost every time i go downtown
this woman is like 55
and she is ALWAYS wearing leggings and a short shirt
and has maje camel toe and um
she has a very muscular ass
and the leggings...the leggings hug it in such a way
that um really makes me die

Erin: because you want to touch it?
pat it ever so gently
while she clenches
butts are weird.

Melanie: dude butts ARE weird right?
her ass is so clenchy
i want to like cup it
but just the undercheeks

Erin: and tell her to relax a little
"lighten up!"

Melanie: i'm not even thinking that far ahead
i kind of want to just see what it feels like
probably like half a basketball

Erin: a ham

Melanie: one of those big ones with the bone in the middle
like a cartoon ham

Erin: bet that's what it smells like too
you could float on the smell like they do in the cartoons
and be drawn to her hambutt
heh heh- bone in the middle

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


I have said this time and time again. I WILL SHOUT IT FROM THE HIGHEST MOUNTAIN TOP.

LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS!!!!!!!

For the love of god, people?! If you're going to wear leggings, COVER UP YOUR FUCKING VAGINA. Is it really that hard??

Thank you,

Melanie Ann Berlin