Monday, March 30, 2009

Bat-too UPDATE

A couple of weeks ago I wrote this post about the huge crush I have on bats, and mentioned that I was getting a tattoo of one of the little critters.

Here is the finished product, courtesy of Sweet Cecily at Cyclops Tattoo. She did a seriously amazing job and had such a light touch that it barely hurt!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

popcorn shirt fun!!

My mother and stepdad Bob finally visited me in San Francisco this past weekend for the first time. I took them to do all the typical touristy SF stuff...Fisherman's Wharf, Coit Tower, Mission Dolores, Golden Gate Park, the Folsom Street leather bar corridor, etc and they loved it. Actually, I think my mom loved it and Bob dismissed everything as being "weird." He kept talking about some dude they saw at the airport with OMG GREEN HAIR and a WEIRD LEATHER JACKET WITH PATCHES SEWN ONTO IT. I figure there has to be at least a few kids in Flushing, Michigan (my hometown, where they still live) who are into Marilyn Manson or Insane Clown Possee or whatever crap kids listen to these days that makes them dye their hair ugly colors and pierce their eyebrows (oh my god..i sound like my dad bumming on me for all that shit in 1996), so it wouldn't be too much of a shocker for them to see that kind of stuff, but I guess they just live in a different world than I do.

One thing that really made me realize this was The Popcorn Shirt.



You've seen these, right? They can be bought for like 5 dollars at flea markets and in Chinatowns everywhere. They are teeny tiny when all balled up but WAIT! IT STRETCHES TO FIT YOU WHEN YOU PUT IT ON!!! NO MATTER WHAT SIZE YOU ARE OMG!!!! It's a miracle of modern science! How do they do that?

Anyway, my mom gave me a plastic bag containing the above shirt on Saturday and said 'Oh, here's just a little gag gift I got you. I thought it was cute.' Obviously she knew it was kind of a goofy gift, but when she asked 'Do you think you would wear it? I thought it would be cute for evening!" I knew she wasn't fucking around.

Turns out, the shirt was a big hit with all my friends. I busted it out at dinner that night and everyone oohed and ahhed and marvelled at it's stretchiness and versatility. I put it on to demonstrate to everyone how it worked:



Admittedly, I'm pretty small so I made Tommy try it on to illustrate how truly ONE SIZE FITS ALL it is:



Wow! Look how impressed mom and Erin are!!

I made Uno try it on. Look how sexy he looks with it coyly sliding off his shoulder:



Later that night I took it to Carousel and made my friends give it a try. Responses ranged from "Wow, this is truly amazing!" to "Ugh I used to sell these pieces of crap when I worked in Japantown."

Here's Lloyd looking fieeeeeeerrrrccccceee:



Matthew demonstrated how the popcorn shirt can also double as a floppy dog ear hat:



Kasey looked so hot in it that it fogged up my camera lens:



Michael showed us how a bowtie can really take it up that extra notch should you decide to wear it "for evening":



Popcorn shirts also make great POPCORN PANTS!



So what did I learn from this experience?

1. Popcorn shirts are awesome.
2. My mom is the cutest lady ever.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Let's Be Friendsters

For some reason over the past couple of days I've been feeling nostalgic about the early days of social networking websites. Remember how pumped we all were when Friendster really started taking off? It was so novel and fun. You could befriendster all your real friends and leave testimonials and suddenly it was like a cyber-yearbook but for people of all ages. One of the best things was being able to find and stalk people that you had crushes on to see if they liked the same stuff as you and had sig others, but even better was the opportunity to find and stalk people that you never even knew existed! People in your own town! Who were hot and had great record collections and looked awesome in vintage sta-prest! (Ok, maybe that was just what I looked for at age 25.) Now and then I would actually receive messages from reasonably hot dudes. I actually did go on a few Friendster dates, a couple of which resulted in sex. Score!

Of course, the downside of this was that if you were a single girl you were guaranteed to get messages from creepy dudes several times a week. I would get messages and not respond and despy dudes would STILL send me 2 or 3 more messages being all like 'oh, just thought i'd check back in, just seeing if you'd be interested in hanging out sometime..." Obviously not dude...if I'm not writing you back it's because I'm not intersted in hanging out with some rando creep posing shirtless next to a motorcycle.

Anyway, I started going through all of my old messages yesterday and some of them are so good that i just had to share them with you guys...all 3 of you who read this crap. Some of the names have been changed because some of these messages are from people I or you even possibly know. My comments are below the message.

Anyway, enjoy!

............................
From: Richie
Date: 05/06/2003
Subject: HI MEL!

Message:
You know me. we went to haight street wtih
mr. diaz and I had to shit all the time.
we had vodka at julians house.
write back. make me yer friendster. lets hang
out, talk records and I have this pig thing that I
can rub on yer back. it will make you feel nice
inside.
xo

Isn't that nice. I never did take him up on the backrub, but later I did develop a crush on this dude and we would always make out for like 5 seconds at a time outside of clubs. I tried to get him to come home with me on several occasions, but despite flirting with me pretty openly and calling me 'angel of hotness' via text message he never accepted. This went on until I drunkenly went off on him at a party and embarassed myself in front of a lot of people. Not my finest moment.

....................

From: Bobavishnu
Date: 05/10/2003 3:14 am
Subject: why don't you love me!!!!?????
Message:
I've seen you around town.OH-----MY------
GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!! Will
you please come to my open mic tuesday nights at
Club 24 K (cafe paris). Please come play, and who
knows, maybe we'll fall in love and do it.

I think I remember this guy. He lived in this weird apartment that I almost moved into in Sac. Right before he vacated it, he hid a package of bologna in the far recesses of the chimney so it would rot and stink up the place because he hated his landlord. As rad as that was, I still declined his offer to fall in love and do it.

...................

From: Tw
Date: 05/19/2003
Subject: Geeks
Message:


cool people ONLY. nerds, geeks, dorks and
dweebies need not apply.

You really rule out a lot of folks that use the
internet to make friends..
dorks, and dweebs.. got it.. but hey.. what is
wrong with us geeks? Sure I understand the nerdy
pocket protecting crowd is not hip, but the geeks
own. I bet you are a closet geek, and are just
in denial.
SF? what are you studing?
tw

This guy's headline now reads "Married and happy. No spamers."

....................

From:
Johnny
Date: 06/02/2003 12:18 am
Subject: I need a favor

Message:
hi I need to ask you for a favor my band is gonna
be playing in sacramento very soon and we need as
much support as we can get! we are a 3 piece HIGH
ENERGY ska punk band from East Side San Jose!
well be on tour this summer so if you wanna go
see else anywhere else check out our site
www.theotherleft.com...
The Other Left
our recording sucks DUCKS like BIG TIME DUCKS we
did it when we first started off :( I guess bands
do make mistakes haha thanks a bunch Melanie!

Yeah, sure. I'll be front row center to catch your HIGH ENERGY ska punk band. Save Ferris RUULLLLEEEZZZZZ

...........

From: Anthony
Date: 06/02/2003
Subject: Hottie Diva something or other

Message:
I think 'Tony' should move over on your plate and
let 'Anthony' be the main course. Hell, you MIGHT
even LIKE your Spinach. ;-)>
A Friendster says that you have a shoe collection
that I will assume would rival Imelda Marcos' in
her heyday. I have a friend who has shoe boxes
stacked 6 high all the way around her room, under
her Huge Oak bed, and falling out of one of her
closets like the toys in 'Home Alone'. HAS to be
maybe 2000 fricking pairs of shoes. Kinya top
that, sweet cheex? ;-d>
You are cute as a Koala AND I betcha kin make a
man holla!
Tbone

...WHAT.

................

From: Philipb
Date: 06/06/2003
Subject: Your taste in film 'n' music is sleazy and gorgeous, I love it

Message:
Jon Waters, Right? Just saying hello quick like, seeing where you are at. I revel in appreciation for your 4th picture or so. I could boisterously proclaim my arrival and pontificate with jocundity, but I'd rather simply say hello, your in Sac, your presentation on friendster does not go unnoticed.
Say hello, I dare you!
Philip!

UGH. This guy wrote me like 4 or 5 messages that I never responded to. He even introduced himself to me at a couple of parties and YES HE REALLY TALKED LIKE THAT IN REAL LIFE. also i think he wore pink arm warmers. GROSSSSS.

.......................

From: Joshua
Date: 06/25/2003 1:24 am
Subject: Have you ever

Message:
Played "odd man out" where you and your friends
go into random establishments and do something
REALLY stupid to attract as much attention to
yourself as possible while at the same time
makeing a complete dash of yourself. Its pretty
dope. In San Francisco the best place to do it at
is Amira or Sky lark.

No Joshua, I haven't. Because you know what? That sounds retarted. Nice opening line, btw.

................

From: Fred
Date: 07/25/2003
Subject: hey

Message:
you're cute, can I come over and hump your
furniture some time?

Um, only if you wear this:



.......................

From: Jonah
Date: 07/31/2003
Subject: just saying hi

Message:
you have way to many friends. How many of
those peopl are really you pals? Becasue i
only have one testimonial. Anyway im from
Sausalito and im trying to be as un quirky as
possible since it seems to be the norm on
this thingy.
peace
jonah

Quirkiness FAIL.


.............................

From: Beau
Date: 09/01/2003
Subject: discovery channel

Message:
Melanie...
You are a pretty girl, I am a pretty boy. You
speak Spanish I guess, and I can understand it.
You don't know me, but you probably know some of
my friends in SF. I see you and me on a dance
floor, escaping the glance of poverty for a
second.
no pressure, though.

...Beau

Ugh, this guy was so hot and months later I met him, not realizing that he had Friendstered me, and I developed such a huge crush on him. I was stoked when he asked me if I wanted to "listen to records" at my house one night after hanging out at a bar, but the makeout was so bad that I had to feign the urge to sleep just so he would stop kissing me. It's too bad, because he really was so sweet and cute...I guess it also didn't help that he was like 23 and worked at Ross.

......................

From: Ricky
Date: 09/02/2003
Subject: First Contact
Message:

Hello,
I don't know you but I saw your picture on
Milinda's page. I don't know her very well
either, but she came to visit me once and I
talked to her on the internet a lot. Anyway, I
don't want to seem that weird but I just wanted
to tell you that I think you are just beautiful,
you have such a cute classic beauty... you're
just gorgeous. I'm in a 4-year relationship, so
I'm not really trying to hit on you, I just
thought maybe I could get to know you a little.
Plus you have Pulp down as one of your favorite
bands. I normally wouldn't have sent you a
message just because I thought you were
absolutely and incredibly gorgeous, but the Pulp
thing sealed the deal and I knew I had to make
contact. So hello! Nice talking to you, I hope
you don't think I'm too creepy and therefore,
don't reply. That's it, thanks for you time. I
hope to hear from you sometime. Ciao!

Ricky

Why didn't I write this guy back? He's obviously a totally awesome boyfriend.

......................

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

stoney vibez

last night i got stoned for the first time in like 2 years. it was kind of rad but i still feel a little foggy today because of it. ordinarily, i don't really like smoking pot but i had a stressful day yesterday (capped off by me leaving my bike on the rack on the front of the bus...rad) and when i got home i thought "you know what? i think tonight would be a good night to toke on some nugz." and you know what? i did. i toked on some kind buds and took a bath while listening to beach house and watched some 'little britain' and it made me felt worlds better. normally i really can't stand being stoned because all i do is sit there and think about how stoned i am, but for some reason the combination of getting irie + beach house bath + netflix on demand was beyond magical and calming.

anyway, i just thought i'd share. not sure when i'll be doing that again, but next time i do something retarted like leaving my beloved blue serotta on the front of a muni bus, i just may have to self-medicate and that is totes ok with me.



love,
melanie 'dank nugz' berlin

Thursday, March 12, 2009

COMPLETELY BATS!

While in New Orleans a month ago, I came thisclose to getting an impulse tattoo of a bat drawing that i found in one of the "flash" books at Electric Ladyland, but the a-hole tattoo artist guy told me it was too small and then proceeded to draw me something that looked straight out of a Disney movie. Not ok! I decided the best thing to do was to just cool off and wait until I got back home so I could take the time to research and find just the right picture. I came back to this project a couple of days ago, and was reminded of the fact that I LOVE BATS!!!! I am bats for bats! Their little faces kill me! They are so janky-looking and squeaky and cute!

Just have a look at these baby vampire bats. Hey guys!! I think I will name them Joe and Crickets.



This guy rules. I love how he's doing the Jimmy Durante "I got a million of 'em! HAA CHAA CHA CHAAA...!" All he needs is a tiny cigar and he could take the stand-up comedy world BY STORM.



This guy is totally ashamed of his giant ears. :( Buck up, lil' brother! You're still cute as shit!



Obviously I need this framed and up on my wall:



Look at his little tongue!! aeuy8etj;ejf;aji;fdhijoerj!!!!!!!



This picture is straight from my flickr, taken at the California State Fair last summer. This is the little guy that made me fall so hard in love with bats:



Ugh, I fucking died! I don't think I've ever seen anything so cute in my entire life. There was a woman in one of the exhibition buildings who had a BAG of BATS and was talking to a swarm of little children (and me and the bf) about them and showing us just how cute and sweet the little guys can be.

The bat bag (Actually BATBOX II)



Shit, I am actually still dying just thinking about it.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, this is the tattoo I will be getting...just the top guy.



I'll post pictures after I get it in two weeks!

Also, newsy tidbit...I just had the following conversation with Spiro:


laurenspiro
i think i heard that bats mean change

melaniebee
really?
from where

laurenspiro
from my guru - dee
in chinese the same character that means
luck
also means
bat
so a bat is good luck

melaniebee
so wise, you are
well this is kind of perfs for me then
change and luck

laurenspiro
once i was having a deep conversation w/ dee
and right at the deepest depth
a bat flew overhead

melaniebee
woah

DEEP!!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

pictures lurking on my laptop

every so often i go through my folders of pictures i download off the internet on my desktop. you never know what gems lurk inside. for example, here is some of the creepy shit i found while looking through my crap earlier...

darkboo.gif



gothxmas.jpg



steve.jpg


darkboo.gif

suckit.gif



223566556.jpg



cake.jpg



harlequin55cz.jpg



lfeb_01.jpg



matthewbaby.jpg



patty.jpg



poisonfans_10.jpg



polnareff.jpg



stars.jpg



yikes.jpg



most pointless blog ever? probably? i dunno, i'm tired.

Friday, March 6, 2009

the breakup mixtape

isn't it so lame that muxtape and mixwit got shut down by THE MAN? i got a request to make an online breakup mixtape, and i guess the only way i can do it now is by youtubing it. so anyway, here's a cyberhug to the brokenhearted, courtesy of your old pal mel.

1. THEM - It's All Over Now, Baby Blue (The crying faces really drive the point home.)



2. Jose Gonzales - Hand On Your Heart (Jose, why do you have to do this to meeeee???)



3. Red House Painters - Song for a Blue Guitar (Mark Kozelek really knows how to twist the knife.)



4. OMD - So In Love (thanks, Erin)



5. Go Sailor - Long Distance (for twee breakups)



6. Aztec Camera - We Could Send Letters (yup)



7. Alton Ellis - Breaking Up



8. Pylon - Feast On My Heart (this is the best video i could find, sorriez)



9. Bonnie "Prince" Billy - The Way (as sung by a stuffed giraffe)



10. New Order - Ceremony (Not sure if this song really applies, but it sounds kind of breakupy?)



11. Francoise Hardy - Voila (my french is not that great, this is a sad song right?)



12. Mary J Blige - I'm Going Down (for/from Leti)



13. Hall And Oates - Say It Isn't So (for/from Sarah Grant)



14. Nico - These Days (why is this the only video on youtube for this song that's not a cover? sorry for the cheese dudes)



15. WHAM! - Careless Whisper (Erin, you are so, so right. How could I have left this song off?)



16. Juice Newton - Angel of the Morning